Crack Drabs
by Asmith137
Summary: Completely made up for my own amusement. My humorous, or stupid, side is now revealed! Drabbles with random stuff that have no point what-so-ever! Some will include OC's. Please read and review!
1. Microwave Disastor

"Are you sure about this Kowalski?" Private asked worriedly. "I mean, I could always eat it cold."

Kowalski scoffed, "Nonsense! I know what I'm doing." He grinned confidently, radiating with pride. "I improved the efficiency of the microwave by twenty percent! In no time, you will have your hot pocket at the perfect temperature, texture and taste!"

"Temperature, texture and taste?" Private repeated.

"I call it the three T's of success." Kowalski beamed with excitement when he pushed the 'On' button. "Now let's see what this baby can do!"

In no time at all, the inside of the microwave lit up with a rainbow of colors. Private was about to ask if that was suppose to happen before there was a bang and a brown chunky substance splattered across the screen of the microwave. Smoke started to escape the machine as well before it randomly combusted into flames. There was an awkward silence as they stood there, staring at the wreck, before Private said anything.

"I think I'll stick with fish."


	2. Think Outside The Box

"Just think outside the box," Flora sighed in annoyance, giving some needed advice to her mute companion. "I'm tired of pulling out all these games just because you lose and get angry, so stop destroying them!"

Madison snickered but nodded, though she doubted she could avoid such a thing.

Flora pulled out a sheet of paper and pencil, starting up a tic-tac-toe game. She put an O in the middle then handed the pencil to Madison. The mute bird made an X above the circle and the game went on from that point till Flora made the winning O.

"I win." She grinned.

Madison frowned, shook her head and snatched the pencil. She made an X outside the tic-tac-toe box then drew a line through her three perfectly aligned X's. She smirked at Flora and tossed the pencil away indifferently, awaiting a response. Madison expected Flora to be mad but, instead, she was impressed.

Flora clapped slowly, half-smiling. "Well played."


	3. Choco Chips VS Choco Dots

Yet another argument with Skipper and Marlene. This time, however, it was bit more ridicules.

"Marlene, I'm telling you for the last time that they are chocolate _dots_!" Skipper argued.

The Asian Otter shot back, "Skipper, they are chocolate_ chips_! The humans call them that as proof! I still don't see why they are dots to you."

Skipper explained impatiently, "They are just circles on cooked dough! Brown spots or white spots, depending on the chocolate." The flat headed penguin quickly got off track. "Personally, I prefer the brown dots. The white just doesn't taste as good."

"Skipper," Marlene drawled out, "Chocolate chips. Just accept it."

"Never!"


	4. Scrabble

"That's not a word, Amber," Flora sighed, clearly annoyed. "In Scrabble, it must be a real word. Not one of your made-up ones."

Amber glared. "Well, I say it's a word. I put it down on this piece of wood, thus making it a word!"

"Your reasoning is preposterous."

Sara piped up in confusion, "Per-wha?" She attempted to put a tile down but Madison smacked it away, using her own way of insisting it was still her turn. "HEY!"

Flora felt her eye twitch and it wasn't just because the mute bird kept hitting their pieces away. "Madison quit it! You can't do that to everyone just because you're loosing!" The bird grimaced at the board. "And why are all your tiles wet?"

Madison flicked her eyes around nervously and then spat out the ones she had been hiding in her beak, one hitting Flora in the eye.

"OW!" She rubbed at her sore eye and grimaced again at the board. "Ugh, that's gross...and unsanitary..."

"Cheater!" Sara accused with a pointing flipper.

"She can't even spell!" Flora defended.

Amber growled, "Neither can I!" She put down some of her own letter tiles, making nonsense words. Something along the lines of 'gghdkdmfodvlam'. "But that's a word...I think."

"First of all, no it's not. Second of all, there can only be up to seven letters."

"WELL I SAY THERE IS THIRTY SEVEN!"

Madison had enough and lost her self-control, what little she did have. She took the entire table and flipped it, sending everything on it flying. She threw her flippers up and made a face that screamed, 'What now!'

"Thank you!" Amber cried dramatically. "I hate that game."

Flora crossed her flippers over her chest. "You hate everything."

"Let's not live in the past. Now, who wants pretzels?"


	5. Just Dance Is Frustrating

"What is this again?" Skipper questioned in a irritated tone, looking _very_ frustrated.

Kowalski was the one to answer. "I believe the NY kids call it, 'Just Dance'."

"Well I don't like it."

All four of the penguins were holding things they heard the children call, 'Wii remotes'. They were playing Just Dance on their television with Rico excelling and Kowalski failing miserably, resembling a dying fish. Though Skipper and Private were doing alright at the game. It was obvious though, that Rico was the only one enjoying it.

"What?" Skipper shouted and stopped in his movements. "How did I get an 'ok'? I clearly got a perfect!"

"You're holding it wrong," Private informed.

"Oh, then how do I-?"

"Yes!" Kowalski exclaimed. "I got a gold move! For the win!"

Skipper boiled. "What? Hey, I wasn't ready!"

Rico laughed at the simple dance moves, getting perfects and greats. "Yeah, dig it baby!"

"Men, I declare that this game is cheap!"

Private frowned, keeping half of his focus on the game. "Oh c'mon Skippah, it's not that bad. I do like their costumes." Skipper grumbled profusely at this.

The song came to an end but, since it was on an endless shuffle, it came to an all new song. The dancer just so happened to look like a hippie, not to mention the song sounded like one as well. The commanding officer pointed a flipper in horror, mixed with anger.

"Hippie!" Skipper hollered and threw the remote at the television harshly, with the force breaking the screen, making the television useless. Skipper looked away awkwardly at the stares his men gave him. He forgot it wasn't real.

Kowalski sighed. "Now we need a new T.V."


	6. Regular Recon: Humanized

Private decided to join Kowalski and Rico on their regular recon routine around Central Park for once but quickly found it boring and uneventful. Throughout the time, Kowalski and Rico were looking around with an intensity that Private didn't understand. He noticed, however, that their attention was kept on the black road, searching for something.

"I see one!" Kowalski shouted suddenly, pointing in front of them, earning Rico and Private's attention.

Private sat up. "Where?" he asked anxiously, believing it was a criminal. _'Finally, some action!'_

Rico then stopped the car after slamming his feet on the brakes, halting in the middle of the road, earning honks from the people behind them. He opened the door, leaned out and picked something up, grinning.

Private gaped at what it was. "A fruit?""

"An avocado," Kowalski corrected, smiling when Rico tossed it over to him.

"So you stop in the middle of the road to pick it up?"

"They're expensive," Kowalski defended. "It makes for good guacamole too. They fall off the trees of Central Park and roll out into the road, so we do this all the time!"

Private sighed inwardly. That does explain a lot, he thought as he remembered the plentiful amount of avocados' and guacamole they have in stock. "Do you two even _do_ recon?"

Rico looked back, bemused. "We're suppose too?"


	7. Keycards Are Stupid: Humanized

Rico felt disoriented and tired from the recent party he ransacked. The music was great and all but the food was a big let down. He drowsily sung a tune as he stumbled down to his hotel room door that he shared with his teammates. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a keycard.

Now, you see, for this door you needed to insert the keycard in the slot horizontally, not vertically. Rico, being so tired and disoriented, forgot this.

He attempted to slide it in vertically but, to his confusion, it never went through the invisible slot. He grunted, bemused, and tried this multiple times, getting faster and more annoyed when it wouldn't go in. He paused in mid-stroke when he realized that there was no vertical slit. Rico's face burned out of embarrassment and he tried to insert the card the right way this time.

Key word: tried.

Again, because he was so tired and disoriented, he couldn't see properly. He ended up missing, somehow, when he tried to insert the card in. He grew frustrated quickly, rubbed his red-rimmed eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. The weapons expert took a calming breath and he tried one last time, missing again. He blew air from his nostrils, finally loosing his temper.

Screw this!

Rico opened the side of his large jacket and pulled out a stick of dynamite and a match. Pssh, like he cared if this was caught on camera! He struck the match and lit the dynamite, placing it at the door. He casually walked away to a safe distance just as the explosive object blew up the entire door and some of the wall away.

Some people had their heads peeked out of their doors, staring either at the wreck or Rico as he came back down the hallway. He ignored them and stepped over the mess he created at the doorway. Rico paused and looked to the left, seeing he had blown some of the wall down from the neighboring room. The person in the room was staring wide-eyed at him, breathing rapidly. Rico held a blank expression for a minute as he stared back. Slowly, he smiled, raised his hand and waggled his fingers in a 'hello' gesture.

The person timidly waved his hand in return.

Satisfied, Rico dragged his feet to one of the two beds. Unfortunately, their room was small and only came with two beds. The solution was that they occupied two to a bed, one on one end and the other on the other end. He came to one of the beds, then flopped all of his weight onto it, making the young private that had been sleeping there get flung off in result.

Private yelped as he bounced off and hit the floor. However, he stayed down there and decided the floor was a better place to sleep.

Rico sighed and got comfortable in _his _bed. He cracked an eye open when he heard his commanding officer speak from across the other bed.

"Rico," Skipper mumbled and turned in his sleep.

The psychopath hummed.

Skipper ordered tiredly, "Stop blowing up the apartment doors. We already get kicked out too much."


	8. Bowling: Humanized

With random and magical smoke billowing behind them, Skipper, his men and Julien came to a small table and settled down. It was time for...dramatic pause...bowling, the most amazing sport ever! Maybe not but it was one where you can eat while you play. You can't do that playing football!

Julien hopped onto the table, clearly acting immature for his age. "I own this game! No one can be beating me!"

"That's what you think, Ringtail," Skipper said confidently, using that old nickname on the Madagascar man. "Alright boys, let a pro show you how it's done." Skipper smirked as he picked up a blue bowling ball, inserting his fingers in the three holes.

Private watched with anticipation. "You can do it Skippah!"

"Private, I know how to bowl," Skipper said with crude humor, annoyed.

The young cadet mumbled an apology and fell silent.

The commanding officer then rolled the bowling ball expertly across the floor and got a strike dead on. He smirked and looked back at his men, who clapped at the strike while Julien scoffed and turned his nose away. Once the pins had been reset, Skipper rolled the blue bowling ball down the lane once more. Again, he got a perfect strike. "And that's how you bowl like a pro!" Skipper fist pumped as he turned back to his men.

"He got two strikes in a row! How does he do such magic!" Julien cried out, earning looks from nearby people. Then he slumped with his arms dangling. "Ooh, he's good. He is going down by me awesomeness!"

"Well done!" Private clapped while Rico gave an approving thumbs up.

Kowalski stood up and smiled at his leader as he passed. The nerdlet was prepared with his own bowling ball that, strangely, was clear but had a skull inside it. He was about to roll it but then paused and lightly put it back. He whipped out his clipboard and pencil and began to make calculations. "Calculate surface...weight of bowling ball...and number of pins," he mumbled under his breath.

Skipper groaned and fell back into his chair. "Kowalski, just hit the stinkin' pins already!"

"But Skipper, I need to calculate the physics in this! It's impor-"

"-Did I calculate anything?"

"...no."

"Then you shouldn't either, so just bowl!"

"Aye, aye Skipper," Kowalski sighed and set his clipboard down. He picked up his bowling ball and then promptly sent it spinning towards the pins. Unfortunately, it didn't hit any. Kowalski always hated this part. He slowly turned back to his team and saw Skipper and Rico trying to hide their smirks while Private offered an encouraging smile. "It's broken!" Kowalski protested weakly but only resulted in making his companions laugh.

Julien was laughing hysterically. "It's funny because he's so bad!" He fell onto the floor, clutching his stomach as he laughed.

"Don't start sweating there Kowalski," Skipper chuckled. "You're putting out_ a lot_ of effort there."

Kowalski huffed, "If this turns out like Jim's predicted bowling game then I'm out." Skipper shrugged with indifference and gestured for him to get on with it. The tall man scowled with his lips in a firm line as he waited for the bowling ball to come back. When it did, he tried again but got another gutter ball. Was he really that bad? The strategist grumbled profusely about 'not being able to do his calculations' as Private passed him for his turn.

The young boy picked up a yellow bowling ball and was about to roll it down the lane but paused. Private looked back at Skipper and asked, "Can I have the bumpers up sir?"

The commanding officer groaned and slapped his hand against his face. "Private, can't you do it without any?"

"Not really..."

Skipper made a gesture to Kowalski to bring up the bumpers. Once it was done, the young private rolled the ball down the alley. He got a little over half of the pins knocked down and grinned.

"Yay!" he cheered as he clapped.

Kowalski crossed his arms and grumbled profusely. Obviously aggravated that Private had gotten more then he had.

Rico smirked at him, laughed and pointed, making Kowalski slap his hand away. This only made him laugh harder.

By this time, Private had gotten a spare and was cheering, even though it wasn't much of a big deal. Well, you can't kill a kid for getting overly excited for bowling, can you?

"That's nothing!" Julien stood up in his seat, dramatically waving out his arm. "I can be doing that with my eyeballs closed!"

Kowalski looked to Rico and mumbled, "Why did we even bring him?"

"Rico, you're up," Skipper announced as Private sat back down.

The psychopath grinned with excitement and rummaged through a bowling ball bag. They watched as Rico got out a black bowling ball with no finger holes in it and run over to the start of the lane. When Rico pulled his arm back to release the ball, his teammates realized too late that it wasn't a bowling ball at all. There was a lit fuse. It was a bomb.

Julien was all for it. "Yes! Do it you crazy beast!"

"Rico, no!" Skipper hollered but the psychopath had already sent it towards the pins.

Kowalski face palmed. "Oh great! This is the talent show all over again."

The maniac was watching with burning anticipation, his eye twitching in excitement. "C'mon...kaboom," he wheezed. A sound came from the back of his throat as the ball came closer to the pins till it finally hit. The entire row exploded, resulting in a panic attack from everyone in that place. They evacuated, fearing another explosion, but the four soldiers, and Julien, stayed.

"Oh yeah! STRIKE!" Rico hollered and did a little dance. "TAKE THAT CHUMPS!" he wheezed but stopped in his dance when hearing a comment from the young private.

"A rather...smashing strike," Private joked. He waited for the laughter that never came and sighed. "I'll just sit in the corner now..." He went away with a coloring book and crayons and sat at a nearby table, coloring a picture of a penguin.

Julien slumped dramatically over his chair. "Aw man! I didn't even get a chance to show off my_ sick_ bowling skills!"

"Can't show what you never had," Kowalski attempted to joke with a small snort of laughter. Skipper game him a look that made him quiet down. "Right um...Rico, you can't just blow up the whole lane," Kowalski scolded half-heartedly with Skipper glaring at his psychopathic soldier.

Rico shrugged, smirking, and grunted, "Gotta knock 'em down, right?"


	9. Disneyland: Humanized

The two psychotic teams were at an amusement park known as Disneyland, enjoying pretzels, cotton candy and snow cones as they went from ride to ride. The only downside was that Private and Sara kept puking their guts out after _every_ ride. Other than that, the experience was enjoyable up until the point where someone started screaming and crying.

Amber felt her eye twitch. She groaned with clenched fists. "I hate people!"

"You don't need to be so anti-social," Flora sighed and ran her tongue over her raspberry flavored snow-cone. "Enjoy the company of your fellow people." She looked to the side and saw that Madison and Rico had ran off to another ride and Kowalski and Skipper were patting and rubbing Private's back as he puked into a receptacle. Only Sara was there, standing next to her. Flora whispered quietly as she flicked her eyes to Amber, "She needs to get out more."

Sara nodded in agreement.

"Ha, yeah right," Amber grumbled. She growled in annoyance when the wailing increased in volume. A cry of frustration passed through her lips. It seemed to have been following them for the past twenty minutes. How long could someone cry? She whirled around in the direction of the sound and glared fiercely at the source.

It was simply a young boy, tugging on his Mom's arm as he wailed. The Mom pushed him away and uttered some words with soothing gestures before walking towards an ice-cream stand.

Amber stomped over to the child with her face contorted in annoyance. She was soon looming over the child, who was now terrified. "_STOP CRYING! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, SO BE HAPPY_!" she hollered to the young kid.

The child stopped crying immediately but ran away, screaming in fright.

"Amber!" Sara scolded in shock, gaping.

Flora looked just as surprised. "I can't believe you just did that!"

"I'll say! I never thought I'd be able to get that," Amber said, taking a sharp turn into calmness, and pulled out a notepad and pen. She checked something off, smirking.

Flora looked over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow. She read, "Scream at a crying child to be happy at an amusement park?" She looked at Amber questioningly. "A bit specific, isn't it?"

Amber shrugged. "What? It's on my bucket list. Next thing...humiliate a clown. Do they have any of those around here?"

* * *

**Amber can be so mean... T_T Geez and angry. Her outburst was inspired by a friend of mine, yes I have odd friends. I believe those are her exact words too. Haha, please review.**


	10. Needle in a Haystack

"Men, it is my pleasure to say we are about to begin one of the most grueling, mind testing, and extensive training sessions ever known to penguin kind!" Skipper shouted, far more enthusiastic compared to his now anxious men. Whenever Skipper said such things, the inevitable result would be them crying like babies.

His training was one thing, but his idea of fun was another. What sane commando penguin used a bomb for hot potato anyway?!

Private, reluctant but curious, asked timidly, "Excuse me Skippah, but…what _is _this exercise you're talking about?"

"Finding a needle in a haystack!" the flat headed penguin exclaimed.

"That'd explain the big pile of hay," Kowalski muttered, but if Skipper heard it he made no sign of it. The scientist mentally groaned when he recalled where Skipper might've gotten this idea from. He'd mentioned it at some point, but he wasn't about to tell Private and Rico that. Thank all the fish that it wasn't 'find the hay in the needle-stack'. He wouldn't dare say it aloud.

"And…engage!"

Kowalski, Private, and Rico hopped right in but Skipper stayed in place. Moments later in Kowalski's search he surfaced from the very top and quickly took note of Skipper. The egghead looked at his commander questioningly, wondering why he wasn't going to participate in the exercise when he was ordering them to.

Skipper gave out a hysterical laugh at the silent question. "You actually think I'm going into that stack to find a _needle_? Getting near one of those sharp demon's tools of torture will be the last thing I'll ever do! "

Private's head poked out from the top of the pile of hay. "Was that why you were screaming like a girl earlier this morning, Skippah?"

"I was _not_ screaming!" the flat-skulled penguin objected hotly. "And if I was then it'd be a very _manly _and_ tough_ scream!"

"Uh, yes you were," Kowalski retorted dully. He absently wondered how far he'd get before he was set up with maintenance duty.

As the argument continued, Rico had exited the pile of hay and was staring at it with a thoughtful look, flipper under his chin as he hummed for an idea. Inevitable chaos ensued whenever Rico would think and this was no exception to the rule. Smiling as a light bulb in his head went off, the weapons expert hacked up a flamethrower. With a demonic chuckle, he aimed at the hay and pulled the trigger, hot flames spilling out and hungrily engulfing the pile.

The flames presence was quickly noticed and, with unmanly girlish shrieks of their own, Private and Kowalski threw themselves off of the burning structure. Skipper's own demented laughter ensued.

It wasn't long before the entire thing had disappeared into the fire, the only concern for the penguins being to keep Rico away as he had constantly reached out to touch the blaze and looking at it like it was a box of meow-meows. It was only a matter of time before all traces of the hay were gone. Once that happened, Rico rushed forward and shifted through the ash, miraculously producing the needle from the mess.

"Ta da!" he cried out proudly.

"Unfair technicalities!" Kowalski protested immediately with an accusatory flipper pointed to the psychopath. While he'd never say it out loud, he was a bit sore for not coming up with a clever plan to get the needle like Rico had. He wouldn't say that out loud either.

Skipper smirked and slapped Rico on the back heartily. "That's how you solve problems like a pyromaniac. Good man!" His composure suddenly fell as Rico brought the sharp, thin tool into his peripheral vision, and he screamed, bowling over his men in a 'strategic retreat'.

Kowalski sat up, smoothing the area on his cheek from where Skipper's foot had made a mark that he'd keep for a few minutes. A sly grin crossed his beak, it did not go unnoticed.

"What are you thinking about Kowalski?" Private asked curiously and cracked his neck, where he had so sorely gotten stepped on.

He laughed faintly, growing into a mad cackle that made the weapons expert proud. "Ooh, I just think I found a way to get us _all_ out of training."

Rico snickered and held up the needle like Excalibur. Yeah, not half bad for a Wednesday.

* * *

**Inspired by a pic a friend of mine sent me a while ago! Credit to her for beta reading as well!**


	11. Mother's Ashes

Sara peered up from the puzzle to observe Amber, who was methodically taking out the border pieces, organizing and fitting them together. It was such a casual and comfortable air that the younger was gifted with the image of her leader's soft, content smile. They'd been striking idle chat, more one-sided than anything, and both were thankful of the quieter lair since everyone else had gone out for snow cones. Sara had stayed behind, being just as absorbed in the Time Square two-thousand-piece puzzle as her commander.

Amber had half of her attention on the puzzle, the other half listening to Sara's mind dribble leak out from her beak. She had no idea that she liked to babble so senselessly. However, one thing had stood out among the somewhat mindless chatter.

"I think I'd only truly be in a relationship once I see the guy get angry, and then see how he'll react." Sara waved her flipper in a broad gesture, unaware she'd gotten Amber's undivided attention with her own insight. "You know, to see if he'll take it out on me or not."

The snort that Amber noised was completely unintentional. "So you'd wait months to be with someone to see if they'll backhand you when they're pissed?" She smirked, pleased by the incredulous look on Sara's face.

"W-well, yes," she sputtered but quickly recollected herself. "I don't want to be abused…"

Grunting, Amber sat up in her concrete seat and leaned forward almost conspiringly, all the while that same smirk was on her face. "Then here's what you do, break their most prized possession and if they're still with ya, then you're good." Of course she said this with humor, a crude sense that was able to get her girls and the boys to laugh at. Although she never could seem to do it with Private and Kowalski; they were too uptight about it in her book.

"I don't think I could do that," the teal-eyed penguin giggled, recognizing the joking air. She slipped two pieces together, giggles morphing into loud laughter as Amber continued.

"Unless it's like his mother's ashes, then don't do that." She barked her own laughter, joining her subordinates joyfully. "_Oh, is this your most prized possession_?" Amber said with fake innocence as she began mimicking the situation going on in her head. She swept a couple of stray pieces to the ground with surprising care in the swift gesture. "CRASH!_ Oh, those were your mother's ashes? I'M SO SORRY_!" She then pretended to sob, dramatically coming atop the table, flipper slung across her eyes. "_It was my mom's idea!"_

"_What kind of life lesson's is your mother teaching you?!"_ Sara joined in humorously.

That did them in, and they laughed uncontrollably till tears were spilling from their eyes. They toppled off the furniture and beat at the ground as if it'd help them breathe again during their laugh attack. Eventually, they came down and relaxed, panting heavily while allowing stray giggles loose. That threatened another laugh attack but they composed themselves well enough.

"So…no breaking urns with someone's mothers ashes?"

Amber hummed a yes with the hint of her earlier smile and sat up, gathering the fallen pieces. She placed them on the table and then rubbed Sara's head affectionately, chuckling when she giggled quietly and batted her flipper away. Her essence practically bubbled with an unanswered question to her mother figure, who willingly answered.

"Don't worry," she assured and smiled as a familiar, chubby, British penguin came down into the HQ. A wide grin on his face came at the sight of Sara and he eagerly gestured for her to follow him with a flipper holding a cone he had chosen for her, a light mixture of green and blue. She placed a flipper on Sara's shoulder, winking at her when Sara peered coyly back. Her flush of embarrassment at the sight of Private only served in making Amber laugh. "Yeah, don't worry," she repeated and chuckled quietly. "You got a good guy in my book."

Sara pursed her beak a bit, the upward turns of her beak and the sparkle in her eyes being the only indication of mischief. "Better safe than sorry, yes?" She then skipped merrily to Private, questioning innocently, "Hey Private, do you happen to have a prized possession on you?"

Amber laughed heartily yet again, catching Sara's good natured wink. While of course they were joking, she couldn't say for certain that the young bird wouldn't try.

* * *

**This is very similar to a conversation I had with my mother and I couldn't resist making a little drabble about it (Course I twisted it to their personalities)! Oh, I love my family. XD Who needs television when I got them, eh? XP**


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